Monday, February 14, 2011

Be Still My Heart

My heart has been doing funny things lately. It is sometimes so full it feels like it might burst. But then it will ache with a wanting I have never felt before. And then some days it burns with frustration and a feeling of helplessness I can't seem to shake.

There are so many emotions and thoughts going through my mind and heart right now I have no idea what direction to go in.

The love I have for my new baby boy is unlike any love I have ever known. All I want to do is snuggle him and kiss his cheeks. Hear him laugh and giggle and cuddle him next to me as long as he will sit still (which is getting less and less with each passing day). He has changed everything about who I am in his short five months of life.

Suddenly my priorities are completely different and all I feel is a need to change. To change who I am, or rather change back to who I was a long time ago. Someone who was softer. Someone who had dreams and wouldn't compromise. Someone who valued friendship and love above all else.

All of the things I thought I 'needed' in life suddenly seem trivial and childish. A waste of effort and energy. How did I get so off track? Or rather, how did I end up on the wrong one? Did I know myself so little?

Eli has made me open my eyes to who I truly am, who I truly want to be, and what I truly want to make a priority in my life. But now I am at a loss on how to get to that point. I am making changes, slowly. To my thinking, to my routine. But the bigger items I am not sure how to tackle.

There are so many things I want to have time for but time seems to be sparse these days. With my regular job, my Truly Noted business, my new Pampered Chef business, and the regular every day things that need to be done, I really have no idea how I do anything to completion.

I need to de-clutter my life- but how? I need my job to pay the bills (and even then it is a stretch). I need the businesses to hopefully make enough to off-set the job so I can eventually leave it. So do I just need to bear with it for now? How can I be assured there is a sunny ending? That all of this work and sacrifice will be worth it?

And I refuse to sacrifice any time I have to be with my baby. It is all for him, but I don't want to miss anything in these early days.

How does anybody make this work and come out the other end intact?

1 comment:

lisaplus5 said...

this is beautiful to read... i truly understand what it is like to have a baby change your life and your perspective. i would love to talk soon... i am praying for you and your sweet family colleen....